I'm almost done with my second year in nursing. So far, 2008 has been good, but not as great as I would have hoped for. I mean, I've passed all my exams, I've made new friends and I've been eating quite healthy compared to last year. 2007 was a disaster actually haha, but then again I was a lot thinner than I am right now. I know people think I look much better today and that I should never go back to the way I was. I don't agree though. I want yo be 48 kilos..no that's not low enough. I want to be 40 kilos to be honest. That's how my mind goes day in and day out. Every time I eat something, I think"shit" I've screwed up again. I eat, but I still have my safe foods and foods I never ever dare to eat, the foods I imagine will make me twice as fat even though I can eat something with a similar amount of calories as long as it's healthy...

Blah, my mind is exhausting. The disease is still there lurking and terrorizing my self image. The common sense is also there fighting for a worthy life, making me functioning as a human being, Oh, but it's hard, so hard...

Just spent the money my mother gave me for food on some shoes I just could not live without...How about that. You could say I'm kind of a shopaholic. I love fashion, clothes and everything that comes with it.  Need to get my broke ass to work more now that my bank account is empty though...blah

 I've had one of my better days today. Got up at 5.30 am, went to work and had a failry good day there. I like my job. Sometimes I even like my life, just not as often as I want to. It can be hard...very hard, but hopefully I can cope with the downsides a little better now than before. 

I'm back from my stay in Rome. It was fantastic! I did some wild shopping and met some hot ass guys. Ah italians you gotta love them:) In the middle of the day we sat at the island in Rome. It's funny, we were sitting there all by ourselves in this gigantic city, just sitting there watchig the river and eating some fresh delicious strawberries:) I ate too much though..pasta and white bread. What a splendid combination. Miraculously I did not gain anything. I still don't understand haha. Oh well, I walked around a lot, that must be it.

My days at the hospital are quite sad at the moment. I'm at the cancer section and it really gets me being among such sick people and their families. Sometimes I feel so helpless it's unreal! But in one way I think it's good for me. It helps me grow as a person doing what I can to help them. I

I found what I do best in life I guess and that's the reason I'm still alive...

I'm entering forbidden grounds. That's how it feels like. I can't stop thinking of him! He's there inside my mind even though I'm trying to ignore that fact. It's my roomate's boyfriend I'm talking about. God, I hate this! I could never go behind her back, even if he wanted me over her, but it's just bloody frustrating when my emotions is impossible to control. Thank god I can control my behaviour and actions at least.

Anyway,he probably doesn't give a shit about me...I think! But he's sending me textmessages and he skipped coming over to our flat being with his girfriend just because I'm not there tonight. I know he enjoys my company, but I'm hoping it's nothing more than that! Then everything would be easier. Fuck!!

Times are weird. I've been more than okay since new years. Maybe it's just a coincidence or maybe it's because I've started to give myself at least 1 complement each day. That was my new years resolution, to think of something good about myself each morning before leaving the house. Even if I don't really believe it, it does something to you, you know? It makes you give a little extra and people do notice that.

Sometimes it feels like I have noone in the world to speak to...

I'm currently reading a book about depression in the hope of understanding myslef a little better. I've figured I've been depressed since the age of 12. Before that, I've only struggled with some anxiety because of neglect and child-abuse.

I really think I need to see a doctor again, but this time I will focus on my depression rather than my ED. The reason for this is that I've come to the conclusion that depression is the reason for my ED. I really think it is.
Anyway I think it would be interesting how I'll react to antidepressants. But I dread going to the doctor. I really do! But I have to. This is about my life.

Christams dinner was okay this year I guess. The funny thing is I kept having these uncontrollable mood-swings all night. One second I was laughing and having a good time, the next I felt like bursting out in tears wanting to just die. Weird.

Anyway the meat was'nt eatable at all haha. That has never happened before. It was something wrong with it. Seriously! So that left us eating only veggies:) Okay and dessert. That was pretty fattening I guess, but it could have been alot worse.

My spoiled ass brat of a sister didn't buy me anything even though she has a lot of cash. Okay fine, but the worst thing is she didn't even say thank you for my gift to her even though I'm living on bearly nothing. She just said"what a I supposed to to with this" God, she's 19 years old!